Burned in my mind and burned in my body

This is the fourth part of my written diary I copied as my introduction to why I am writing this blog. If you haven't read it all, you can read the first three parts here. Part 1 Part 2 Part 3. Thank you for reading it.

He pointed at the table next to the bed where the condoms were. When I opened them I was partially unimpressed that he buys the larger condoms. Usually guys who buy them do so to feel bigger or better or brag. Then I thought about him in my hand and realized maybe he needs them. I've used the brand before (black box forgot the name) with other guys and they usually slide off too easily. Paulo has a nice package, maybe an inch longer but quite a bit skinnier. When I told Mr. B about it many months later, he jokingly called it a pencil. It works fine, though and most guys I've dated were about the same size and width as Paulo.

I grabbed one and Mr. B told me to grab a few. He already had one very forceful orgasm, so I shot him a smile but he looked serious. I grabbed 2. I returned to the bed and put him in my mouth but he didn't need it and pushed me away. I put the condoms on the bed and he just stared at me. He didn't budge. I hate putting on condoms, it's the man's job, but I did so. I think he did it because he wanted me to feel how hard I made him. I slid the condom on and it was a tight fit but it got in there. Then I laid down on the bed and felt so turned on that I started to touch myself again, even though I had already two orgasms. I was very wet and again the thought that I was going to cheat all the way on Paulo didn't cross my mind at all. I wanted this man in me. When he laid on top of me between my legs, I whispered to him that the first thought in my head after we were finally introduced was exactly that. He smiled, and then he pushed my hand away from what I was doing.

He took a step back that really confused me, I thought he was going to be a jerk and admire his catch, but then he grabbed my hips fast and pulled me almost off the bed and stepped forward, hard. Without a single problem, he entered me and tore at me. I was fully naturally lubricated and his thickness did cause me a tinge of pain but it was over when I realized he was inside me. He filled me completely. I've been with bigger men but none filled me so perfectly. Maybe natural lube does a better job at coverage than the artificial flavored stuff, but whatever it was I felt nothing but passion and pleasure. I know I screamed for God at that moment, and I think I begged him to make love to me when he stopped once inside me. He was watching my face and I saw him through a new set of eyes. He was gorgeous, the most beautiful man I have ever seen between my legs. But he didn't move. Did he orgasm so fast?

I don't usually talk dirty, my mom raised me well, but he then told me to talk dirty to him. I normally wouldn't do it but I needed him to move his hips. He had his hands on my shoulders and was forcing me down on him so I couldn't do it myself. So my lips opened and I followed his command. Immediately he thrust out of me all the way and right back in. The urge of that miniature almost orgasm happened immediately. He demanded that I talk even dirtier as he paused again, and I listened to his command completely, repeating it word for word. He pulled out even further and slammed harder into me. The tingles of pleasure didn't stop, even when he paused. Slowly he continued, not with speed but with more and more pressure. It was like a freight train going up a steep hill, chugging harder and harder but moving slower and slower. He stopped asking me to talk dirty but I was getting screwed here so I kept swearing at him and demanding that he fill me. A few words I said are words I've barely said ever in my life, words that revolt me when others say them.

Time past without me noticing. He lives close to a highway and and airport and I didn't notice any of that noise. His thrusts were amazing, filling me completely but not hitting anything sensitive. It didn't hurt at all, and I kept feeling this urge to orgasm again which would be impossible. I know he was turned on by how vulgar my words were, and he finally shut me up by putting his lips on mine. I never get kissed when having sex, most guys just stare at my body, have an orgasm, and go to sleep. This man was making love to me. I don't know him at all, I have no idea who he is because he kept so quiet letting me talk. I don't love this man and can't but I love what he was doing to me. He's ignored every part of my body that men focus on, and used me as a woman. I would say that he treated me like a daughter at first, then a mother later, then a girlfriend on his couch, then a wife on his back, then a whore when I put my mouth on him, then a virgin when he entered, then a slut when he started pumping. Now I am a woman wrapped up in a man. Not his woman, not my man, just a woman and a man in union.

I tried to wriggle out a bit but he had me pinned down. His elbow were on my shoulders and his hands were in my hair, pulling and tugging with his thrust. His tongue was gently in my mouth and all over my face and head. I couldn't move at all. He's a small man but he completely had me powerless. I've never felt so helpless and yet so amazed and sexy before. Like I said, I was a woman with a man. I have no idea how long he was thrusting into me, but I know I was close to an orgasm more than once. He says it was for 45 minutes, but I have no idea. If there was a room around me, I wasn't aware of it.

His thrusts slowed down but became so forceful that I begged him to orgasm. I wanted him there even if I was so close. He finally did on my command, and I could actually feel his pulses inside of me. For a split second, I had the joy of knowing he emptied himself inside of me but when he pulled out I noticed the condom wasn't torn. I've never had a man orgasm inside of me, but he could tonight if he wanted to. He pulled out but as he walked back he grabbed my legs and pulled me off the bed. My arms were free and I tried to grab at something but I fell feet first to the floor. He grabbed my hair very hard and forced me down to my knees.

He carefully removed the condom and was still slightly hard. He walked within inches of my face, put his strong hands on my jawbone and used his thumb to force open my mouth. What was he going to do, put it in my mouth again? He did, and I let him. He didn't stop and it went straight back to my throat without a gag. It was softer and not very thick at this stage, but he slowly moved his hairy belly against my face without moving out much and I felt it filling my throat. I gagged hard and coughed him out and as I wiped my lips I saw he was already putting another condom on. Immediately I was soaked again. This man is going to enter me again I thought. I needed him to.

He pulled me off my knees that hurt on his tile floor. I was standing a few inches taller than him but his eyes seemed to be above mine. Did he just grow 6 inches (I mean in height)? He turned me around and bent me over the bed. At first I was a little scared that he was going to put it where I wouldn't let any man put it before. Then I thought about it and secretly wanted him to. Paulo's been asking to do it for years but I keep saying no due to my Catholic upbringing, but here is a man I would accept there without asking or prodding.

He spread my legs and got to his knees and ran his tongue from as far forward as he could to slowly backward. His tongue ran past my butt to my tailbone, giving me a jolt I hadn't felt before. He's going there, and I'm going to let him. I asked him if he wanted to take the condom off and he said he didn't, that he never does it bareback. I was afraid it would hurt, but knew he would be just gentle enough to make me want him there, just hard enough that I would know who was in control. His tongue went back down the same way it came and I felt another jolt of pleasure inside and out.

Then he stood up, spread my legs and my butt cheeks, and inside he went. Not where I was fearing and wanting, but right back to where he was before. I shuddered in joy and exhaled in sadness. What kind of a whore did I turn into? What if he brought 15 of his friends in to take me against my will? Would I let them? This is not me, this is some part of every woman that is coming out of me. My friends and I don't talk about these feeling, this passion, these unknown needs getting fulfilled. If I introduce him to my friends, they won't believe me. He's so manly and confident, but his quietness is not obviously sexy. All I see is sex, though, when I think about him.

He was inside me, hard as ever, thrusting strongly into my firm butt giving him little padding. He was louder this time, as was I. The position was good, but not perfect since he'd need to be a little longer in the package to work inside me as he did with me on my back. The feeling was completely different, he was hitting something else. I don't believe in the G-spot talk, but whatever he was hitting felt amazing.

We didn't do it for very long when he told me he was close and asked if he should wait for me. I was about to tell him to go ahead when he started attacking my internally with great force. I heard wet noises and felt his breath on my back and neck as he pounded into me. All of a sudden, the situation left my mind as I was overcome with my third and impossible orgasm. I shuddered over and over again and begged him to finish, and he did when I asked. He kept at it, slowing down as I slowed down. Breathing harder as I breathed harder. I fell to the bed and he fell on my back. Our hearts were pounding in near unison.

He rolled me over, took the condom off and put himself in my mouth again. He was still a little rigid, unbelievable. Who is this guy, a porn star? He never told me his job, but if he told me he did porn I'd believe him. He pulled out and asked me if I wanted more. Again I was feeling myself tingle and get wet, but I don't think I could go for four orgasms in one night, not even in one week. I told him I never had three before, and even getting to two never happened. I've faked two just like I fake one with Paulo if he finishes too fast. I put my hand on his package, but he pulled it away. He kissed me and I tasted myself on him, something I didn't like in the past. But this man kissed me and I accepted.

He held me until I fell asleep for a short while. The sun was out when my eyes closed, and when they opened it was coming into the window fully. He was sitting there reading when I woke up. I asked him what time it was, and he said 11. Oh no! Paulo will be crazy mad, I never sleep past 8 and if I don't answer his texts he gets a little worried. Jealousy like that is fine with me. I check my phone and he hasn't texted, and now I get worried. Did he just do what I just did? Still, I feel no guilt. I just received the greatest gift a woman can get. I now have a higher bar of pleasure to measure guys with, should Paulo and I not do what my mother commands and get married.

A few minutes later, that text comes in. Paulo is at his place (phew!) and wants to get together. I look at Mr. B and he smiles and nods and mouths the words "Go!" I tell Paulo I need to shower and hang up, making plans in 3 hours. I thank Mr. B over and over, holding his man's hairy chest against my face, more tears making them wet. Paulo loves me but has never made love to me. This was the one thing missing. I start thinking about asking him if it'll happen again, almost begging him to call me when he needs me, but he says he understands that it is a one time thing. My face saddens, but he's right. Getting caught would end things for sure and would blow up my family against me. You just don't do this if you are a woman.

I get dressed and he calls a cab. He's no longer my lover, he is just a man I met at a bar. He looks at me not as a woman now, but as someone he hasn't seen in ages. I feel turned on just writing this, thinking about how he's returned to his calm and happy self. The cab honks just moments later, and I resist the urge to jump back in his arms. Sanity returns to me, my boyfriend is waiting and I need to shower and put these clothes in the wash so they don't smell of sweat and sex and fluids. We hug, and he sees me out.

The last thing I mouth to him is another thank you, and he smiles and walks away as the cab pulls away. I don't see him or hear from him or talk to him for months, but he leaves me with a website where he promises to tell the word the story of what happened. My stomach tightens but he promised me no names would be used. I didn't visit the site until he returned to Chicago many months later, almost half a year since I saw him last.

I still think of that night. I still dream of being taken by a man and being made to be his woman. Sometimes I see men in bars or at work or at stores who remind me of Mr. B, and I wonder if they can do to me what he did. I flirt with him, seeing him once at a bar in the city. A few times late at night I called him and asked if he was interested in coming over. He said of course, but he couldn't do it. One night Paulo and him hung out for a few hours, and Paulo told me what a surprise he is to other women who at first don't see anything special and then see everything special, but he denies them and walks out the door alone.

Will I have him again? Just once, just to make sure I am not daydreaming. We talk through the phone, sometimes when Paulo leaves after we had sex and I need release. He talks me through that release with a voice of power and knowledge, but he refuses to come over to finish things for me. That's OK because he is the man and he understands and even my feminist side agrees with him. But some day, maybe sooner maybe later, I will be able to put my questioning to rest.

Am I dreaming? I don't think so.

The man in this story is Chicagosane who runs his own blog. He uses words that are a bit more colorful and even vulgar so it isn't safe for work or family computers. His version of events is close to mine and can be read at this link here. I hope you learned enough yourself as a woman to seek out such an experience just once. Would I tell my grown daughter should I have one? Probably not verbally, but I would leave my journal from that month out for her to accidentally find.

I'm spent but I'm supposed to go meet my boyfriend tonight. I love him very much, and I'm trying to coax him into being a better lover. Oh how I wish this wasn't me sometimes so I could send him the link to the original story and see if he understood. He's younger, and he has time. I love him with all my heart and want so much to give him all my body. It's the last step before our commitment is complete. I will never cheat on him with another man ever again.

Thank you again for reading, I will write more about my life regularly.